| Just let it happen. |
[10 Aug 2009|05:04pm] |
fml fml fml.
I'm so down on everything, and no matter what I do, I can't get back up.
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[29 Jul 2009|06:07pm] |
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I'm about to get pretty violent.
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| I'd give up everything |
[18 Jul 2009|07:02pm] |
Me-"I'm just gonna move away."
Mom-".....really?"
Me-"Yep, I'm just gonna pack up and leave."
Mom-"Good, because when you leave I won't have any reason to be on this earth."
She says this so much. I worry about her all the time. When I'm gone, what is she going to do? Will my mom ever be happy? I'm not going to be here for many years, that's for sure. So when I'm gone...what will happen? She's the only person tying me down to this place.
Ahh, the west coast is calling my name. I'm so jealous of Lindsey right now. I hope she's having a good time in California while I'm here pretending like I care about everything my friends care about, when I know deep down that it doesn't mean anything to me.
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[08 Jul 2009|12:12am] |
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I just can't stop crying about all this.
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[27 Jun 2009|12:02pm] |
Evan Jacksons "I HATE CONFORMITY/ YOU'RE GOING TO HELL" blogs are really beginning to piss me off.
And his lip piercings.
And his double bass playing.
And his huge hickey that he's sooooo proud of.
Now I have to spend six straight days with him starting tomorrow.
He may be seeing Jesus sooner than he thought.
-_-
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[20 Jun 2009|03:56pm] |
Mission trip in eight days. The summer is almost over. Come July, band will be the only thing I have time for. -_-
I'm sooooo not excited. I just want to be lazy and do whatever I want.
mehhh.
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| O.o |
[25 May 2009|12:42am] |
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mood |
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 happy |
] |
Can't even believe May went by as fast as it did. I don't even remember it beginning. I've had a really bad memory lately, though. Summer will be grand.
But for now I'm tired and my head hurts.
It's all good.
:DDD
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| and then he said |
[24 May 2009|10:40pm] |
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all the stars in the sky and the leaves in the trees. all broken bits that make you trip up and grassy bits inbetween all the matter in the world, is how much i like you.
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| Do you even know what that means? |
[19 May 2009|10:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 nostalgic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Hellogoodbye |
] |
Woo, another drama filled day! Seriously people, this has got to stop.
-BUT-
When I came home from school Mary Rachel was there and we decided to go to Hobby Lobby to get art supplies. I saw Kelsey in the parking lot. I got free salami in the mail..which looks disgusting. Overall, I wish this week was over.
At least tomorrow's AWANA fun night. That's always interesting.
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[18 May 2009|11:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 Pathetic. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Dixi Chicks- Landslide........... |
] |
I'm trying to post more, and write more in general. Today was pretty boring; pretty ordinary. For me at least.
I started a fire in the back yard, ate s'mores and sang Beatles songs with my family. I got my travel guide magazine. It's Monday, so I watched the Hill's. Ughh, stupidest show ever, but I always watch it. I need money, but I refuse to get a job. There is no room to have a job, be in band, and still be sane. I would have no free time. I'm pretty sure I'll get to babysit for Jennifer twice a week this summer, though. That's 60 bucks a week.
I'm pretty fed up with all things school at this point. I don't see how they even expect us to try and pay attention to lessons about the Vietnam war, the locomotor movements involved in dance, or SPANISH knowing good and well that freedom is only two short weeks away.
Sheesh.
Where's a best friend when you need her. Certainly not here, where she should be.
sbgdshgksjgs.
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| Is it May 29th yet? |
[17 May 2009|10:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Kate Nash |
] |
Because I honestly cannot take this school year anymore. My mind is totally not focused on anything but the summer ahead. There's so much I need to do...
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| I should be asleep. |
[12 May 2009|12:10am] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
] |
Blogging is overrated...
Why are we even going to school anymore? It's not like I really do anything productive in any of my classes. But oh well. We're in the home stretch and summer's almost here. I'm so excited. I've been making list after list of things I want to do/what I want to buy/where I want to go, etc. One more summer of freedom before I make myself get a job.
The band banquet was boring, as expected. Clint and David got tons of awards.. I guess it's because their existence in our band is the most honorable, right? I mean, not showing up the day before semifinals so you can go trick or treating with Taylor Carrico is definitely something that should be rewarded. I need to stop being so negative, but that just wasn't funny to me. Nothing is. It's just obnoxious.
I want to not hold grudges and I want to be okay with a lot of people, but sometimes I just can't. When you are SO stuck up about everything you do, and then you come yell at me and tell me I'm living my life wrong, I am not going to respect you. I'm done with it. I'm not even going to waste my time thinking about it anymore.
And for those of you who refuse to grow up and care about something other than getting high as much as possible, why are you even here? What good are you to any of us. I'm sick of it. I'm sorry, but stop trying to get your stoner friends to join band. They are no use to us.
Why do I stay in band? whywhywhy? I love band, but I can no longer tolerate any of these people. I cannot even pretend to tolerate them anymore. And pretty soon, they're all going to hate me. But I don't care anymore. I have enough friends. Their friendship means nothing to me, because they never cared in the first place.
I'm sick of people not caring..But I'm done rambling.
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| So buy me the ocean And paint it with pretty stars |
[23 Apr 2009|11:51pm] |
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mood |
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 whatthe |
] |
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music |
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blink 182 |
] |
I feel "normal" and that feels weird.
I also have blisters on my feet for walking so much today. sdhgfjsghs I'm so tired.
Tomorrow's Friday. The band is in Chicago.
I need money so I can go to Florida.
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| Take the time to let it go. Step away and watch me grow. |
[15 Apr 2009|09:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 HEADACHE |
] |
| [ |
music |
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TSA |
] |
It's weird when you can really see yourself growing up and changing. I've become much more patient, believe it or not and a lot more tolerant. It helps in a lot of situations.
Anyway, I'm giving up television for a month starting tomorrow. I never used to watch it but for the past couple of months have at least had it on as background noise constantly. It's a waste of time.
I want Joey to teach me how to play guitar.
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| Hit the road, Jack. |
[08 Apr 2009|08:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 artistic |
] |
My left hand is asleep -_-
This week is thankfully going by fast. Tomorrow's Logan's 13th birthday so we're going to Tumbleweed one last time before it goes out of business. Man, I loved that place back in the day.
Prom is this weekend and I'm dreading it soooo much. I'm totally unprepared and I have no clue why I would want to spend my Saturday night with Hancock County skanks and their equally hick dates. No sir, I am not excited. Prom is NOT a big deal, but everyone around here makes it so important just because there really isn't anything else to do. I can't wait until I can stop worrying about it. Why did I want to go in the first place?
My mom is sort of considering letting me be home schooled, and the only reason I wouldn't is because of band. stupid stinkin' band. I don't even like it, but I'm like sucked in so much that I cannot quit. Idk idk idk.
I feel like I'm really hungry but I know I just need water. I need to stop eating. I haven't exercised all week. School makes me make bad decisions...like, eating the food they serve. ew. I always wake up too late to pack lunch and by the time 11:45 rolls around I'm starving and I have to resort to eating school food. grosssss.
I need to clean my room. And go to hobby lobby. I was gonna go the other day, but nooo. I had to go to the "mall" instead. I hate that place. It's not even a mall..bleh.
I went to Target, which is alllllways super awkward. Thankfully, my step mom wasn't working.
Yesterday I went to the optometrist to get some new reading glasses and this old lady that works there kept following me around trying to get me to try on stupid glasses with flowers and animal print all over them. -_-
I told her I wanted to try on a certain pair of old man glasses, and she wouldn't let me.
I got some boring glasses..like everyone else has. Boring to match my life.
At least they're blue on the inside.
I could be getting my license next Friday. Now I have to wait 'til June.
meh.
And Kelsey made me want a bike even more then I already did.
this one in particular: http://www.beachbikes.net/index.php?p=product&id=415&parent=44&pro_detail=Y
yep.
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| -_- |
[16 Mar 2009|05:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 melancholy |
] |
“He's always chasing the pot of gold, but when he gets there, at the end of the day, it's just corn flakes.”
This day sucked, to say the least. Everyone was in a bad mood, including me. But I won't get into that. I wrote an awesome essay about the importance of learning a second language in Spanish, and Mr. Wagner LOVED it. I don't know why it made me so happy that he kept talking about it. I mean, he's just a Spanish teacher. But he's also a very cultured Spanish teacher, so it felt good. haha. At least he's not from Hancock County. And I guess for me, every opinion counts. I want people to love what I write. He said I had a good/different voice. That's what I want. I need for my writing to be a twist from everyone elses. Heck, even Mr. Apgar loved my personal Narrative about sunbathing in the graveyard, playing in mud/adventure....and it was possibly the worst thing I've ever written. I got 100%. I don't know what exactly I'll do with writing, but I know I'm doing something. I want that something to be inspiring.
ughhhhh, I wanna travel.
I wanna be a travel writer, but it scares me to work freelance.
I guess that's about the only way to go, though. I've got two more years to think about it. Two more years to sit here and ROT.
jshgkljhgsdhgkja
tomorrow will be better.
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| I think I'm gonna barf. |
[06 Mar 2009|10:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 numb |
] |
| [ |
music |
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TEB |
] |
ughhhhh, my Step dad. Everyone's always confused by his presence in my life. My mom has taken him back then he's left/been kicked out countless times...but really no one understands what has happened in my family's lives because they never get the whole story. Some people may think my mom is crazy (which makes me want to punch you in the face) but my mom is the strongest person I know. No one understands JAMES, obviously..because he is crazy. He's totally insane, he's a sociopath, and his existence is sad and useless. The only good that has came out of him being alive is Matthew. He abused my mother most my childhood because of his terrible temper. I have vivid memories of Bethany, Logan, Matthew (he was a baby) and me huddled in a bedroom screaming and crying for him to just leave us all alone. Once, he hit my mom in the face with a phone and then unplugged it so she couldn't call the police. She had a big black eye for the longest time. It was a weekly occurrence in our household, and it made me want to kill him with everything I had left in my weak, confused body.
The entire Carman family is not the least bit functional. For example, His two brothers are: a drug addict who is constantly in jail and an alcoholic ready to drink himself to death. James is a emotionless pathological liar. Also, he has something wrong with him where he only knows to do what he's seen or knows about. He cannot try something new. It's hard to explain. Remember your very first memory, as a young child? His first memory was in middle school. He has absolutely no recollection of his childhood. Strange right? His parents have done nothing with their lives and have told their children all their lives that they will never amount to anything. How encouraging.
Anyway, my grandma died in November, and since then my mom has changed a lot. The death of her mother has finally made her realize that the best thing for our family is NOT to try to salvage this marriage, because it was a mistake in the first place, and it will NEVER work. It is best that he is out of our lives, and someday Matthew will realize that he is not so wonderful. He's actually already starting to see. I mean, that kid sees everything. He's pretty bright. Mom and James have been seperated, and he got an apartment to himself for the first time in his life. No more living with mommy although he's completely broke and is MAJORLY IN DEBT!
James was taken to prison in handcuffs today straight from his work (he works for some safe company) in handcuffs. Apparently, from what the news told me, is that he wrote two letters that states threats to bomb the building. WHHHHAATTTTTT?!?!?!?! Yeah, he's insane. I wasn't exaggerating. The other day he came to get Matthew and started telling us all about how a machine screwed up and bruised his ribs. He was smiling the entire time. In the past when he worked at Alcoa, he used to mess up the machines so they would send him home early.
No one's gonna bail him out. He deserves this and so much more. He's made all our lives hell for way too long. I have no sympathy for him.
So stop asking me about things....now you know.
I have a headache
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[09 Feb 2009|01:36am] |
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Maybe I'm really just as hollow as everybody else?
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| WOO! |
[04 Feb 2009|03:14pm] |
My free soyjoy and free cheesy rice quakes came in the mail today :D
We're never having school again......
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